


unless

by gotchick



Series: unless [1]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-08 11:51:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6853477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>jaebum had always been mark's best friend, while jinyoung was mark's kid brother. (high school au)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [periwinkledreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/periwinkledreams/gifts), [jaepomme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaepomme/gifts).



13.

Jinyoung met Jaebum in his first year of junior high.

Technically, they didn't become friends, because Jaebum was his older brother's Mark's classmate and friend. But the three of them went to the same school, had since he and Mark transferred there at the beginning of the year after Mark and his mother moved to Korea to live with Jinyoung and his father. Before that, Jinyoung had been living in Korea too, but in the countryside of Jinhae while Mark and his step-mother were living in America. She had married his father years ago, but because of their jobs they had to be based in different countries and only got to spend time as a family during summer vacations. He saw Mark only for a few months each year, but they were friendly enough to be familiar and know each other as well as good friends. Although Mark was his step-brother, Jinyoung had always seen him as his _hyung_.

But when they started middle school, their parents decided that it was important to live together as a family during their formative years, to give them company during their tumultous teenage years. Privately, he and Mark joked that they were afraid to deal with their adolescent angst alone. But Jinyoung knew his father cared for him and wanted him to have a mother figure, and an older brother to talk to. So the four of them bought a house in Seoul and enrolled Jinyoung and Mark at a prestigious junior high school, ready to start their new life together.

Mark wasn't completely fluent in Korean yet when he arrived in Seoul, so at the start he was more shy than he usually was and stuck to Jinyoung like a piece of chewing gum on his shoe. He didn't mind, because Mark was cute and nice to have around, like a warm teddy bear. He had been taking Korean classes in America since their parents had gotten married, but he still didn't know a lot of slang and colloqualisms kids their age especially liked to use. His mother was thankfully, much more fluent in the language.

Jinyoung thought Mark was super cool, especially when Mark thought him English swear words. In return, he would teach Mark naughty Korean words so the tutoring sessions their parents made them give each other were probably more of a bad than good influence.

The first time he met Jaebum was a few weeks into the school semester, when Mark brought him home after school. He was waiting for Mark at the bus stop to make the journey home together that afternoon after dismissal, and brightened up when he caught side of him loping down the sidewalk towards Jinyoung, but his smile slipped a little when he saw another boy he didn't know trailing at Mark's heels.

Mark smiled breathlessly when he arrived at the bus stop, filmy uniform pasted to his slightly damp skin with sweat from the midday sun.

"Sorry, Jinyoungie, did you wait long? This is my classmate... friend, Jaebum. He's coming over today to help me with some homework."

"Ah... nice to meet you." Jinyoung quickly wiped his fingers on his pants and stuck out an awkward hand.

Jaebum took it, smiling back just as awkwardly. "Your younger brother? He's cute," he told Mark, and they shook hands limply as he muttered, "Hi," to Jinyoung.

Mark smiled, looking pleased by Jaebum's compliment. "I know, right?" He ruffled Jinyoung's hair, and just then the bus drew up so they clambered up and lumbered down the aisle of the mostly empty bus. Jinyoung usually sat with Mark but today Jaebum sat down beside him so he sank down on the seat across the aisle from theirs, trying not to feel like the odd one out.

 

Mark and Jaebum did their homework in the living room when they got home, with their textbooks and worksheets scattered around the coffee table. They turned on the ceiling fan to full blast and unbuttoned the top button of their uniform shirts, loosening the collar and untucking the shirttails. Jaebum looked serious as he got absorbed into explaining a Maths equation to Mark, who looked slightly dazed but was doing his best to listen conscientiously. Feeling left out, Jinyoung drifted to the kitchen to get a snack and a cold drink from the fridge to cool himself down. He chugged a few large gulps of milk straight from the carton lazily, then wiped his lips and curled his hands over the straps of his backpack as he trudged up the stairs to his bedroom.

 

Jaebum came over a few more times occasionally after that day, but Jinyoung saw him in school too when he found Mark at recess. Mark was almost always sitting and eating with him in the canteen, but they always looked happy to see Jinyoung and he was grateful they didn't mind them joining him because although he had a few friends in his class already like Yugyeom and Bambam, he didn't have a best friend the way Mark had Jaebum.

They had soon become best friends after that first day, although they didn't say it. Anyone could see they were inseparable. Jinyoung was slightly jealous, but he didn't know whether it was of Jaebum or of Mark. A little of both, he guessed. But he felt spoilt when both of them doted on him equally, acting like his hyungs.

He had never really spent any time alone with Jaebum until one afternoon when Mark was held back in class to speak with his teacher. When Jinyoung had seen Jaebum sitting alone at their usual bench in the canteen, he had hesitated before approaching Jaebum with his plate.

He was relieved when Jaebum looked warm when he looked up to see him. "Oh, hey. Our teacher wanted to speak to Mark so I don't think he can come down for recess today. I'm going to get him something to eat. Do you know what he likes?"

"Um..." Jinyoung was a little surprised; it was the longest sentence Jaebum had spoken to him. "Maybe just a hotdog bun and a soda?"

Jaebum nodded. "Good idea." He shoveled the rest of his plate of rice into his mouth, then smiled at Jinyoung. "Wait for me here. I'll be back after I dump this and buy it."

Jinyoung nodded back with his mouth full, feeling grateful for his niceness. Jaebum didn't need to accompany him, he could just go back to class since Mark wasn't here. It felt like Jaebum was treating him as his friend too.

He watched Jaebum queue up for the bun, then walk to the vending machine to buy a drink. But when he walked back to the table, he was holding two cans. At first, Jinyoung thought one was for him, but he placed it down beside Jinyoung's plate.

"I noticed you hadn't bought a drink yet. You must be thirsty."

Jinyoung swallowed, looking up with surprise. "Thanks... hyung."

Jaebum looked pleased. It was the first time Jinyoung had ever called him that. He shook his head gruffly and sat down opposite Jinyoung, opening the can for him with a pop. "Don't rush," he said. "There's lots of time."

For the rest of the break, they didn't talk much, but Jaebum sat with Jinyoung until he finished eating his food, then they parted ways as the bell rang.

 

14.

By his second year of junior high, Jaebum was such a frequent guest at their house that their mother knew him by name. She always prepared an after-school snack for all of them when they got home, if she wasn't working. She liked Jaebum because he was a serious student, despite his delinquent-like exterior, and his tutoring sessions had been a very positive influence on Mark's grades.

Sometimes Jinyoung would shyly ask him for help with his homework too. Now that he knew they didn't mind him joining them at the coffee table after school, he would sit down between them and take his homework out of his bag, spreading it out as well. When Jaebum finished his earlier, he would sometimes help Jinyoung look over the exercises he had completed, checking for mistakes.

Jaebum always smiled kindly when he asked for help and taught him as meticulously as he taught Mark. Jaebum would make a good teacher when he grew up, he privately thought. He wondered what Jaebum's ambition was.

The other, secret reason he liked asking Jaebum questions was because Jaebum always looked impressed by how intelligent he was. A few times, he had said to Mark jokingly, "Your brother is so smart, he should be in our grade."

Mark agreed easily. He was the kind of older brother who took compliments to Jinyoung as if they were personally directed to him, looking as proud as if Jaebum had complimented him. "I bet he could teach me as well as you."

Jaebum's face fell a little then, for the briefest second, so fleeting that Mark didn't even notice. Only Jinyoung did, because he happened to be watching closely. He seemed worried that Mark would no longer need him. And Jinyoung didn't like the thought of Jaebum coming over less often too.

So he tried not to act smarter than his age. But once in a blue moon, he still couldn't help showing off a little, just to make Jaebum looked at him with amazement and reach out to ruffle his hair proudly. The first and only time Jaebum asked him for help with an equation he couldn't puzzle out, Jinyoung felt like he had scaled the moon.

 

They were never together for too long, mostly operating as a trio. Mark and Jaebum were alone together for most of the day at school, but Jinyoung and Jaebum were never alone together, except for a few minutes sometimes when Mark went to buy food at recess or grab a snack from the kitchen at home or went to the restroom. And usually, even these times were spent in comfortable silence, not looking at each other.

 

But one day in his class, when he was chatting with Bambam and Yugyeom, they were interrupted by one of his female classmates walking to his table. She was pretty and popular, and Bambam and Yugyeom looked awed and shy as she approached because none of the three of them had spoken to her personally before.

Bambam nudged him when they noticed she was holding a pink coloured piece of paper folded into a heart. Yugyeom looked at him, wide-eyed, and he felt his heart quickening. Was he going to get his first confession in his life?

But when she stopped before them, blushing, he was disappointed to hear her say, "Jinyoung, right? Um, I noticed that you're friends with this third-year sunbae, Im Jaebum? Sorry to bother you, but could you help me pass something to him?"

Jinyoung took the letter from her, too stunned and polite to say no. Bambam and Yugyeom groaned in disappointment as she walked away without even looking at them.

At recess, when he hesitantly took the slightly crumpled letter out of his pocket and passed it to Jaebum, his eyes widened in confusion at first.

"Jinyoung-ah, what is this?" He looked afraid to take it.

Abruptly, Jinyoung realised how the situation looked. He started blushing as he immediately explained, "No, a girl in my class asked me to give this to you!"

Jaebum's eyes cleared, and he finally took the heart from his hand. But his eyes narrowed, a hint of displeasure creeping onto his face.

"Thanks. But next time, just tell them to pass it to me themselves if they want to. You don't have to be their messenger."

"Oh... okay." Jinyoung swallowed, wondering if Jaebum was annoyed at him, or burdened by the confession from an underclassman whom he probably got more than a few of. Even as a guy, it was difficult not to notice that Jaebum was good-looking, in a more subtle way than Mark's clean-cut handsomeness but no less attractive.

Jaebum didn't open the letter, leaving it beside his plate as he continued eating his food without curiosity. Jinyoung didn't know why he opened his mouth and blurted out, "She's really pretty."

Jaebum looked up at him again, brow creasing. His fork paused on the way to his mouth.

"O...kay?" he replied, as though he didn't know how this was relevant. "Thanks for the info. But I'm not interested."

He crumpled up the letter without reading it. Jinyoung felt bad for his female classmate, who was probably being rejected for the first time.

Mark came back from the restroom and sat down beside Jinyoung. "What's that?" he asked curiously, eyeing the crumpled pink ball.

Jaebum blushed and grabbed it, shoving it into his pocket. "Nothing."

Mark raised an eyebrow at Jinyoung in bafflement but didn't ask further.

 

It was his only his second year of junior high, but it was Mark and Jaebum's third year. He didn't want to think of the fact that next year, they would have graduated and moved up to high school, leaving him alone here. He wouldn't be able to spend recess with them anymore. Not for the first time, he wished he was the same age as them. The age gap of one year wasn't large, but they were at an age when it still felt substantial. It was just another of the unbridgeable differences between him and the two of them.

Mark's Korean had improved a lot thanks to the immersive environment, and practicing it daily with both of them. But he was still shy and his only good friend was pretty much Jaebum. Jaebum too, didn't seem to get along with any other person as well as Mark. Jinyoung could guess why. There was something about Mark's quiet calmness that was soothing, that made you feel comfortable around him.

When he asked Jaebum which high school he was aiming to get into, Jaebum hesitated, seeming flustered. Jinyoung wondered if he had not yet decided. He was surprised because Jaebum was the kind of person who was clear about his goals.

Mark smiled and slung an arm around Jaebum's shoulder. "He wants to go to the same school as me, right?"

Jaebum blushed and lowered his head, but he was smiling too. He nodded shyly.

"Oh..." Jinyoung smiled too, unsurprised and slightly thankful that they would still be friends in high school. He was worried that he would never see Jaebum again if he and Mark drifted apart like so many middle school friendships. But he had expected Jaebum's target to be an elite school, because Jaebum was always one of the top in his class and he took his studies very seriously.

As if reading his thoughts, Mark said sheepishly, "I'll have to work extra hard, so I won't drag you down."

Jaebum quickly reassured him, "Don't worry, you won't."

Mark beamed at him gratefully. "I really want to be your classmate for another three years, Jaebum-ah."

Jaebum ducked his head, the tips of his ears bright red. "Me too," he mumbled.

"Me three!" Jinyoung clamoured, raising his hand cutely, and they all collapsed into laughter.

 

15.

Fifteen was Jinyoung's loneliest year, not only because of Mark and Jaebum's absence in school. It was also because it was the year he started reaching puberty, the wet dreams he had had once in a while before that starting to plague him almost weekly, his voice breaking and body hair starting to grow on his legs and between. He started noticing girls, their breasts and hips under their uniforms, white thighs peeking out of short skirts. When he got erections that refused to settle, he had to jerk off clumsily, sloppily and without skill.

He felt embarrassed, mortified and ashamed of his urges. He had a growth spurt which made his limbs feel uncoordinated and movements awkward. He wanted to talk to Mark about them, but he didn't know how to broach the subject. He tried to remember if Mark had seemed to be going through this too the year before, but he couldn't remember anything different about him.

Driven to desperation, he started looking up porn sites on his laptop and watching videos which made him blush in shock, but he couldn't stop. He tried to jerk off every other night, because if he didn't the urges would seem to build up in him, causing him to get random boners in public, which were especially painfully awkward at inappropriate times in school.

One afternoon, Jaebum had come over to the house again. He and Mark were in their high school uniform, white shirt and navy pants. It was a hot summer day and Jaebum was flapping his shirt to to cool himself, the filmy fabric translucent where it clung damply to the muscles of his back with sweat. He was sitting beside Jaebum on the couch, while Mark was sitting on the adjacent loveseat. They were watching MTV music videos when suddenly a female singer flashed her cleavage onscreen and just like that, he was hard, again.

He panicked, shifting his legs and feeling a bead of sweat trickle down his temple as he darted a glance at Jaebum from the corner of his eyes to check if he had noticed. He was overcome with relief to see Jaebum looking straight ahead, his eyes focused on the screen, seemingly unaffected by the half-naked popstar.

Jinyoung squirmed and fidgeted uncomfortably, trying to take deep but silent breaths and tore his eyes away, thinking frantically of equations, his parents, his brother Mark, Jaebum sitting beside him -- anything but boobs. But to his dismay, his erection didn't go down but only seemed intensified by his distress.

He was trapped on the couch, his crotch tented so blatantly by now that if he stood up and rushed out of the room, Mark and Jaebum would be sure to notice. So he just continued sitting there and sweating in a frenzy, not knowing what to do to get out of this agonizing situation.

He jumped when he heard Jaebum's voice beside him speak up casually. "Mark."

"Hmm?" Mark looked over, and with amazingly quick reflexes Jaebum threw his blazer over Jinyoung's lap before he could see. Jinyoung blinked as he looked down breathlessly.

Jaebum stretched, still not looking over at Jinyoung. "Can we walk down to the store to get ice creams? It's really hot."

"Oh..." Mark looked reluctant to get up from where he had been enjoying the music video, but he said easily, "Sure."

"Let's go, then," Jaebum said, getting to his feet and moving to herd Mark out of the living room.

"We'll get you one too, Jinyoungie!" Mark called back innocently, and Jinyoung heard their footsteps fading, the jangle of keys and the front door opening and closing. He sat there for three minutes, his heart and mind racing to wrap around what had just happened before he stumbled to his feet and, holding Jaebum's jacket over his crotch, looked around furtively before dashing to his room and locking the door.

 

16.

Needless to say, when his parents asked him which high school he was aiming for, Jinyoung immediately replied without hesitation the name of Mark and Jaebum's school. Even though it wasn't the most elite one he could get into, there was no way he was giving up the chance to join Jaebum and his brother for the additional two years he could get with them. He had missed them enough this year to know that it wasn't a nice feeling.

Mark smiled at him proudly across the dinner table, obviously assuming that Jinyoung was doing so solely because of him. It was true, but he now had another reason he would never voice out: Jaebum. If Jaebum had gone to the elite school, then maybe... Jinyoung would have considered it a little more. That was how much Jaebum had come to mean to him as a hyung too, almost as much as Mark.

He successfully got into the school, as expected. Bambam and Yugyeom had gone to another school, but he was comforted to know that they were at least together and would have each other. They promised tearily to stay friends after high school and not let life and growing up tear them apart.

He met new friends in high school too, growing especially close to two of his classmates, Jackson and Youngjae. He liked Jackson because he could speak English and it reminded Jinyoung of Mark, and was Chinese in ethnicity too, but that was about where their similarities ended. While Mark was soft-spoken, Jackson was loud and gregarious and outgoing.

Even in high school, Mark and Jaebum still seemed their own exclusive unit. They were friendly with their other classmates, but mostly kept to themselves and spent their breaks with each other, and now Jinyoung too when he had entered their school. They were lucky to have stayed in the same class through all four years, Jinyoung thought. They shared a bond he wasn't part of, and that he envied because he had never had with anybody.

Naturally, he introduced Jackson and Youngjae to the two of them, and the five started sitting and eating together at recess. He was pleased that all of them hit it off immediately.

After the first time they had met, Jackson whispered to him on the way back to class, "Your brother is really... pretty."

Jinyoung was surprised, turning to look at him. "Did you mean handsome...?"

For the first time, he saw Jackson blushing a little. "Um... yeah," he backpedaled. "I guess."

But privately, Jinyoung could understand what he meant. Because though Mark was drop-dead gorgeous, it was more of the pretty than handsome kind of good looks. He was even prettier than some of the girls in their school, and there was a delicate, fragile air about him accentuated by his skinniness and paleness. But he knew Mark didn't like being called that, so whenever people did he always corrected them.

 

When he blurted it out to Mark accidentally though, spilling the beans when he mentioned his friend Jackson had said he was pretty, he was puzzled to see Mark not looking offended for the first time but instead lowering his head and blushing shyly.

"What else did he say about me?" he asked Jinyoung, sounding urgent.

"Nothing?" Jinyoung was confused, but happy that Mark seemed to have a good impression of Jackson, when he seldom displayed interest in anyone besides Jinyoung and Jaebum.

"Oh." Mark look disappointed.

"What did you think about him?" Jinyoung prodded inquisitively, for some reason.

Mark's ears coloured. "Um... nothing much. He was really... manly."

 

Jackson nearly fell off his chair where he was trying to balance on the hind legs when Jinyoung told him that. He had no idea why he was playing messenger for both of them, telling them what each other said to him in confidence but he was just curious about what was going on and it was fun to see them flustered.

"Your brother said I'm manly?" Jackson repeated, voice sounding shriller than usual.

Jinyoung nodded and shuffled his books, exchanging glances with Youngjae.

Jackson's face was flushed again, and he quickly cleared his throat and seemed to recover.

"Ah... I mean, obviously, it's no surprise that everyone thinks I'm manly..." He preened obnoxiously until Jinyoung and Youngjae whacked him on the head with their textbooks in exasperation.

 

Now, when Jaebum came over, Jackson usually would too. Youngjae was busy with music club activities on a lot of days, so he joined them less often.

Jackson was kind of a slacker, like Mark, not very interested in books, easily distracted. He often asked Jaebum for help with his homework, and Jinyoung couldn't help feeling a twinge of irritation when Jackson begged Jaebum in a wheedling voice to help him do his homework, calling him _hyung_. He was used to being the only one who called Jaebum -- and Mark -- _hyung_. Jaebum sternly refused, but he did coach Jackson as seriously as he had taught Mark and Jinyoung.

The four of them had a good chemistry and camaraderie, and spent many long languid afternoons together with Jinyoung and Jaebum studiously working on their homework while Jackson tried to coax Mark into speaking in more than monosyllables. When he got too noisy, Jaebum would sigh and set down his pen loudly, scolding, "Jackson, _concentrate_."

When they were hungry after dismissal they would walk to the nearby McDonald's for tea. Jaebum would sit beside Mark but Jackson would steal Mark's fries. Sometimes Jinyoung felt a pang of unbrotherly resentment that all Mark had to do was keep silent as a block of wood but both their friends were all over him, trying to get his attention.

 

He didn't know when, but he started sensing a slight and strange tension between the four of them, especially when they were alone together. He couldn't figure out where it was coming from, but he wondered if Jaebum and Jackson had had an argument he didn't know about because sometimes he would look up and catch them eyeing each other with hostility or even outright exchanging fleeting glares. He had always been more sensitive about the mood and better at reading people than Mark so it was unsurprising that Mark continued to be as innocently oblivious as usual, linking arms with the both of them as he led them away.

Everything fell into place one unremarkable afternoon at the height of summer when they were lounging in the living room, snacking on watermelon to cool themselves down. Without any embarrassment, Jackson promptly unbuttoned and peeled off his uniform shirt. Jinyoung caught a glimpse of Mark's eyes widening as he took in Jackson's bare chest and muscled torso, before he tore his eyes away and looked down at his lap.

His eyes drifted to his left, where Jaebum was sitting between him and Mark. Jaebum's face was turned towards Mark, away from him, but Jinyoung's sharp ears heard the soft, almost inaudible hitch of his breath as Jackson playfully wrestled Mark against the couch and tried to make him take off his shirt too, while Mark giggled and squealed breathlessly, loudly refusing.

He saw Jaebum's eyes swiftly move over the way Mark's flimsy, translucent uniform shirt strained over his narrow waist and shoulder blades, clinging to the contours of his skin. He saw them widen at the sliver of bare skin that was revealed when Jackson grabbed the collar of Mark's shirt roughly, popping the top button. He saw the tight set of Jaebum's jaw, the hard line of his profile as he sat there and between him and Jinyoung his hand balled up into a helpless and frustrated fist.

It was hard to breathe. The white noise of Jackson and Mark roughhousing in the background faded away behind the roaring in his ears as many things fell into place in quick succession. Jaebum's frequent visits to their house, the way he had sacrificed going to a better high school for Mark, the way he was always faithfully, loyally by Mark's side; the way he only smiled when he was with Mark. The way he looked at Mark.

His heart clenched painfully at how obtuse he had been. How long had this been going on? How long had Jaebum been suffering silently, while he and Mark were innocently and happily unaware?

In that moment, for the first time since they had become brothers, he hated Mark.

Inexplicably, the afternoon a year ago when Jaebum had thrown his blazer over Jinyoung's lap and asked Mark to get ice cream flashed into his mind.

Before he knew what he was doing, he had blurted out loudly, "Jackson."

Jackson and Mark paused in their tussling, a silence falling as they both looked up at him from the ground where they were tangled, Mark's face flushed with embarrassment and something else, Jackson's with irritation. They were breathing hard.

"Come here," Jinyoung babbled, for lack of a better idea of what to say. He patted the ground beside him and implored Jackson silently with his eyes.

Jackson looked confused, and a little more annoyed as he reluctantly let go of Mark's shirt and got up. But to his credit, he acted like a loyal best friend and obediently walked towards Jinyoung and sat down beside him.

In his haste to sneak a glance at Jaebum and check his expression, he nearly missed the look Mark shot him: one that he didn't recognize at first, because Mark had never displayed this emotion towards him -- irritation.

 

Jinyoung didn't know what to do with his discovery. He was troubled, lying awake now at night not with lust but with conflict. He felt so bad, like such an insensitive friend -- because he now considered Jaebum his close friend. He didn't know if Jaebum felt the same, or still only saw him as Mark's kid brother. But Jaebum had done so much for him in the past four years, quietly, without asking for anything in return, that Jinyoung felt a fierce loyalty to him.

He knew his brother was innocent, but couldn't help feeling annoyed at Mark for being so insensitive, carelessly and unconsciously hurting Jaebum. If even he had noticed, then Mark as the object of Jaebum's affection, with all the time they spent together, should have way earlier. He really hoped that Mark was genuinely clueless and not just pretending, because if he was Jinyoung might not be able to forgive him.

He didn't really think much of Jaebum -- or Jackson, for that matter, possibly being gay. Their high school was an all-boys one and he knew it was common for teenagers to experiment or develop feelings for the same gender at their age. And if they did, the most likely person it would be for would be Mark, who was honestly -- Jinyoung had to admit objectively, even as his brother -- good-looking enough to turn guys gay. Or maybe it was because he was too close to both Mark and Jaebum, that it didn't feel real. Perhaps he had always subconsciously, on some level, sense that the way Jaebum cared for Mark was not entirely platonic.

 

He thought of asking Jaebum about it, telling him he knew, but he didn't dare to. He didn't want to embarrass or humiliate Jaebum further, or make him feel more awkward. Maybe it would be better for all of them if he pretended he didn't know too.

 

17.

So he didn't say anything and the months passed. A new year began and he entered his second year. Mark and Jaebum entered their final year and he dreaded the thought of them leaving, moving on ahead without him again. Even with all the complications and the angst, the silent and unmentioned triangles and cliques, he wished they could stay in high school forever.

Jackson had grown closer to Mark, almost as close as he was to Jinyoung. Sadly, it seemed that Jaebum and Mark had drifted further.

He wondered if Jaebum still had feelings for Mark, if they were still the same, or more. Sometimes, he imagined it was a trick of his mind, that afternoon when he had seen so many unfamiliar and intense expressions chase across Jaebum's usually wooden and inexpressive face. It was easy to believe, because Jaebum never let slip any more emotion after that day, and never said anything to either Jinyoung or Mark, as far as he knew. No matter how outrageously or physically Jackson teased Mark, Jaebum never let any reaction show on his bland face again. Jinyoung wondered if Jaebum knew, sensed that Jinyoung had called Jackson over to his side out of consideration to him that afternoon. If he did, he wouldn't be surprised because out of the four of them, next to him, Jaebum had always been the one who thought deeper, more intricately.

But just like the boner incident, it went unspoken between them, a secret they had wordlessly sworn never to speak of in words.

 

Even if he was no longer as close to Mark, Jinyoung wanted to let Jaebum know that he didn't want them to drift apart. He wanted to remain close friends with Jaebum. He wanted to always be there for him.

So since he couldn't express this in words, he tried to do so with his actions. He would volunteer to go on errands or grocery runs for his mother, and with a light heart skip out into the cool night air, already smiling in anticipation as he made his way towards the nearby 24-hour convenience store where Jaebum had started working part-time, graveyard shifts as a temporary job to earn some spare cash.

They had short, staccatoed conversations on these brief encounters, where he lingered in the aisle pretending to search for what he wanted as Jaebum crouched beside him, restocking the shelves methodically. He was an efficient worker, able to mind the small shop alone, and Jinyoung had noticed that his arms had filled out since he started doing heavy lifting for the crates and boxes at the mart.

It was during one of these exchanges that he found out that Jaebum was trying to save money because he wanted to rent an apartment and move out of his parents' house when he started university, and during another that Jaebum told him he wanted to study filmmaking.

"I never knew you wanted to be a director," Jinyoung marvelled.

Jaebum looked up at him, smiling. "There are many things you don't know about me, Jinyoung."

For some reason, Jinyoung thought he saw a flash of sadness in his smile. Immediately, he thought of Mark.

The words slipped out of his mouth before he realised what he was saying. "I know," he said.

Jaebum looked confused, then flustered. He swallowed. "You know what?"

Jinyoung swallowed too, cursing his big mouth. "About... about you and Mark." He shifted uncomfortably with the can of tuna in his hand and tightened the fingers of the other around his basket handle.

Jaebum's face paled, the packet of biscuits he was shelving sliding out of his hand. He quickly picked it up clumsily and shoved it back on the shelf, dropping his eyes to avoid Jinyoung's.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, but his ears were red as he stumbled to his feet and strode briskly away to start stocking another aisle.

 

He didn't visit the convenience store for a while after that. But he missed Jaebum, even though he still saw him at school during recess with the others. Their nighttime chats had been something special, something only they shared.

A few weeks later, he plucked up his courage and walked apprehensively to the mart again. From a few yards away, he could see Jaebum inside the deserted mart, peaceful and tranquil because they got very few customers at night. But still, sometimes he worried: what if a drunk walked in when Jaebum was alone, and tried to bully him because he was a high school kid? What if teenage delinquents wanted to buy cigarettes without IDs, and got pissed when he refused to sell it to them? What if robbers held him at knifepoint till he emptied the cash register for them? Being so righteous, he had no doubt that Jaebum would fight back defiantly, stupidly if such things happened. He wasn't the sort to run away like a coward, from situations that were scary. Unlike Jinyoung.

He pushed open the door, the cheery automated buzzer announcing his entrance. Jaebum looked up from the cash register, where he had been reading a book. Relief flooded through Jinyoung when the only emotion spelled plainly across Jaebum's face was missing, and warm happiness.

"Jinyoung," he said, eagerly setting his book on the counter facedown to mark the page. He came out from behind the cash register and walked towards Jinyoung, closing the distance between them. "You haven't been by in a while."

Jinyoung smiled shakily, nervous. "I was busy."

"Yeah, I guessed so." Jaebum shoved his hands into his pockets, but he was still smiling as he leaned back to study Jinyoung in his sloppy sweats.

 

After Jinyoung had ticked off all the items on his grocery list and hoisted up the bags in both hands, preparing to leave, Jaebum called him back.

"Do you want to help me with some shelving?"

Jinyoung turned, mouth parted with surprise. It was the first time Jaebum had asked him to stay longer.

"S-sure," he replied obligingly and put the bags down again. Jaebum smiled, looking pleased.

They spent the rest of the night working in companionable silence. Jaebum asked him a few times if he was tired and wanted to go home, but Jinyoung replied that he wanted to help Jaebum a while longer and wasn't sleepy.

In the end, he ended up staying till dawn. The sun was an amethyst glimmer in the lilac horizon as Jaebum's co-worker arrived and they left together, Jaebum with his bag slung over his shoulder and one of his hands full of the groceries he had helped Jinyoung carry.

He looked sheepish as he walked Jinyoung home, the streetlamps starting to flicker off one by one as they passed. The morning breeze caressed his skin. Jaebum had paid for both their cans of instant coffee earlier, but he was trying to stifle a yawn because he didn't want Jaebum to feel bad.

"Thanks," Jaebum said, his sharp eyes not missing it anyway. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you stay so long. Will you be okay without sleep?"

Jinyoung quickly waved a hand. "I'm fine! I wanted to stay. I... enjoyed talking to you."

At his honest words, Jaebum coloured slightly with what looked like pleasure.

"Me too," he replied softly.

They had reached Jinyoung's house. Jaebum handed him the bags of groceries gently.

"I'll... see you at recess?" he asked, uncharacteristically hesitant and shy.

Jinyoung nodded. "See you later, hyung."

Jaebum raised a hand in an awkward wave and set off down the street, the sun rays silhouetting him.

 

18.

Mark and Jaebum graduated, and finally parted ways after five years, going to different universities. But they still remained friends, and Jaebum still came over to their house sometimes for dinner, if less often because he was busy with adjusting to college.

Jinyoung felt lonely, but he still had Jackson and Youngjae. He didn't know whether he wanted to aim for Mark or Jaebum's university. Actually... maybe he did, but he just didn't want to admit it.

A lot of things had changed. But a lot of things were still the same too, like how Jinyoung and Jaebum could spend hours discussing the books Jaebum had recommended to him, debating enthusiastically about them; like the way Jaebum sometimes fondly and playfully called Jinyoung, "Brat."

But the change he liked most was that after five years, he felt more like Jaebum's friend than Mark's baby brother. And he felt proud that he got the feeling Jaebum saw him that way too, as an equal, that recently he had started looking at Jinyoung differently. Seriously.

He liked it when Jaebum paid more attention to him, focused the full intensity of his thoughtful gaze on Jinyoung. Jaebum was still a mystery to him in so many ways, even after all these years. And Jinyoung thought that he wanted to spend many more years slowly unwrapping the fascinating layers of him.

 

He had regretted telling Jackson about his nocturnal trips to the minimart because Jackson had started teasing him about his "midnight dates". Jinyoung was both embarrassed and offended. He should've known Jackson would see everything through his dirty, crude goggles, polluting everything with his gutter mind. He could never comprehend the kind of deep talks Jinyoung and Jaebum shared into the small hours of morning, a completely innocent bond on the level of their souls as they swapped stories and traded secrets.

 

On Jinyoung's birthday, they had a sleepover at his house. To celebrate him turning eighteen, Jaebum smuggled two six-packs of beer from his workplace and they had three each. It was his, Jackson and Mark's first time drinking and they got a little tipsier than they expected.

They stayed up late, playing spin-the-bottle. He was feeling light-headed, dizzy and vaguely nauseous, neurotic and overly emotional. His mood was only aggravated by the double meanings of the innocent but pointed questions they shot at each other, the air thick with innuendo and unspoken tension.

At this point he was just tired of all the subterfuge, all the obliviousness and unrequited feelings and painful one-sided crushes. He realised that he had been feeling frustrated, resented Jaebum subconsciously since the night he had dodged the topic of his feelings for Mark and refused to admit them to Jinyoung. And it had burned when Jaebum started avoiding Mark, because Jinyoung could transparently see that it was because it hurt him too much to be around Mark and he felt wounded that Jaebum didn't trust him enough to share this with him.

Maybe that was why when Jackson was asked "Truth or dare?" and he picked dare, Jinyoung immediately fired at him, "Kiss me."

Jackson froze, his eyes moving slowly up to Jinyoung's. They had all gone out of their way to be especially accommodating to him tonight because he was the birthday boy, but now, he could see that Jackson was shocked and obviously uncomfortable.

When he didn't move and no one spoke, Jinyoung surged forward unsteadily on his hands and knees over the bottle, between Mark and Jaebum, to press his lips clumsily against Jackson's. He didn't know who he was trying to goad into revealing their feelings -- Mark or Jaebum. Maybe both.

He could see Jaebum and Mark's reactions out of the corners of each of his eyes as he kissed Jackson's stiff lips. Jackson didn't kiss back, but in less than five seconds Mark's hand had shot out and grabbed Jinyoung's shoulder with a roughness he had never treated Jinyoung or anybody else -- but Jinyoung found his entire attention focused, inexplicably, on the way Jaebum's face changed on his left with an intensity of emotion he had only ever seen once before in the last few years.

Jaebum's eyes narrowed, his face hardening and lips pressing into a thin white line. As Jinyoung stumbled back onto his haunches from Mark and Jackson pushing him, he was so dazed he lost his balance, only able to see Jaebum getting to his feet and turning away, walking off quietly.

Mark was glaring at him silently but furiously and Jackson was wiping his lips, looking panicked as he gazed at Mark, but Jinyoung didn't pay any attention to any of these, couldn't, as he clumsily stumbled to his feet too and staggered on weaving feet in the direction Jaebum had gone.

As he chased after Jaebum, questions raced through his head, chasing each other's tails swiftly. Why had Jaebum looked so upset, and even walked away as if he didn't want to watch further? It wasn't like Jinyoung had kissed Mark. The only two people who had kissed were Jackson and Jinyoung, and he didn't have feelings for either of them. Unless...

His heart leaped into his throat when he found Jaebum standing outside the kitchen screen door, in his backyard. He pushed it open, but Jaebum didn't turn around.

Jinyoung walked towards him hesitantly. "Hyung," he whispered. "What's wrong?"

Jaebum turned to look down at him, eyes blazing. He caught his breath.

"Do you like Jackson?" Jaebum asked, running a hand through his hair.

"N-no..."

"Because if you do, your heart is going to be broken. He likes Mark," Jaebum stated flatly, as if he was the one who had everything sorted out, the all-omniscient being who had seen through everyone's feelings.

"Is that why you're upset?" Jinyoung retorted, the alcohol lending him foolish liquid courage.

Jaebum inhaled sharply. He had turned to face the sky again but now his eyes returned to bore into Jinyoung's.

"What do you mean?"

"Come off it." Jinyoung snorted humourlessly. "I knew from the start. I've known for years."

Finally, his words seemed to strike Jaebum dumb. He blushed from the roots of his hair to the tips of his ears, biting his lip nervously. "H-how...?" he breathed, sounding pained. "I thought no one knew."

"Jaebum hyung, you're so obvious," Jinyoung scoffed, the anguish on Jaebum's face feeling like nails through his heart. So... he had gotten his answer. Even after all these years... Jaebum was still in love with Mark. "Of course I knew," he muttered, feeling hollow. "I watched you every day..."

"You watched me every day?" Jaebum cut him off by repeating, sounding astounded. Jinyoung quickly realised what he had just said and blushed.

"Jinyoung," Jaebum said urgently, reaching out to clutch his shoulders as if this was important. "You've been looking at me, watching me, enough to know what I'm thinking? How I'm feeling?"

"Why does it matter?" He tried to shrug off Jaebum's hands, avoid his piercing gaze. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me how you felt about Mark."

Jaebum only held him tighter, not letting him go.

"Because, Jinyoung-ah," he exploded finally, "If you had been watching me so carefully, you would've noticed that I liked you!"

Jinyoung stopped struggling, stopped moving. He raised disbelieving eyes to Jaebum, feeling his next breath catch in his throat. His heart seemed to have stopped.

"You... like me?" he breathed, barely above a whisper.

Jaebum blushed blotchily, finally seeming embarrassed as he relaxed his grip and lowered his eyes, not meeting Jinyoung's.

"For nearly a year now," he said softly.

Jinyoung couldn't breathe; couldn't think. Was this a drunk hallucination? It was too unbelievable to be true.

"B-but... you liked Mark hyung," he blurted out stupidly, confusedly. It felt like his whole world had been turned upside down, that everything he had believed in was proven untrue.

Jaebum looked frustrated. "Yes," he admitted with difficulty. "I did. But by the time you asked me, I had already stopped liking him, and started liking you. That was why I didn't... want to tell you about it. I was worried it would hurt you. I thought maybe... you might like me too. But I guess I was foolish to hope."

He laughed bitterly, dropping his hands from Jinyoung's shoulders.

"Wait," Jinyoung rasped, his mind spinning.

Jaebum looked up at him, the quiet hope in his eyes so bright it was unbearable.

"Hyung... I..." he swallowed over the lump in his throat. "I like you too?"

It sounded like a question, and he felt bad when Jaebum's eyes darkened with hurt, looking slightly heartbroken.

"I mean..." he hastily clarified, "I stare at you all the time; I love spending time with you; I miss you when you're not around; I think about you a lot; I'm happy when I talk to you; I find you weirdly attractive; my heart hurts when I think of you liking other people. And when you said you liked me, I... I couldn't breathe."

"Jaebum hyung." He raised his eyes to him fearfully. "What... do you think this means?"

For the first time in the six years Jinyoung had known him, he was amazed to see Jaebum's eyes filling with tears. When they spilled over onto his cheeks, he could see the fierce happiness crystalline behind them, shining from Jaebum's beautiful eyes.

"Jinyoung-ah, you _pabo_. That means you like me too," he whispered tenderly and hoarsely, wiping his tears away with his fingers.

"Are you sure?" Jinyoung's heart felt like it was ready to burst, the backs of his own eyes prickling.

Jaebum nodded shyly, an adorable blush dusting his cheeks. "I'm pretty sure... but are you?" He still looked half-hopeful, half-heartbroken.

"There's only one way to find out," he replied breathlessly, reaching out to caress Jaebum's face. His face felt hot, and damp with tears, his skin softer and smoother than Jinyoung had expected. His lips looked the same.

"Can I...?" Jinyoung gestured to Jaebum's mouth, leaning forward with sudden hunger.

Jaebum blushed, tongue slipping out to wet his lips. He lowered his head in a bashful nod.

Jinyoung gasped; that was enough encouragement for him to surge forward and touch his lips to Jaebum, tentatively at first, but Jaebum surprised him by deepening the kiss, crushing their lips together. His hands moved up to cradle the back of Jinyoung's head, startlingly gentle, and Jinyoung instinctively wrapped his arms around Jaebum's shoulders.

Jaebum opened his mouth, tongue gently running across Jinyoung's lips, so he let his mouth fall open too.

 

When they broke apart, Jaebum looked up at him like a man awaiting his sentence in court. Jinyoung was breathing hard. They both were.

"So?" Jaebum asked, a tremor in his voice. "Do you like me, Jinyoungie?"

 

He found his answer in the passionate lips pressed against his own, stealing his own name out of Jaebum's mouth, not breaking away even when the kiss turned salty with both their happy tears.


	2. Chapter 2

19.

When they had walked back into the house after their kiss, hand in hand with stupidly blissful smiles on their faces, they had found Jackson and Mark in the living room, kissing. Or more accurately, Jackson bracing his arms over Mark on the floor and sucking his face off.

Immediately, Jinyoung had gasped and rushed to rescue his poor, defenseless older brother. He was outraged at Jackson for drunkenly attacking Mark, ready to throw a punch to avenge his brother's chastity, but Mark hastily stopped him by stepping protectively in front of Jackson and explaining sheepishly that he was the one who had kissed him first.

Behind him, Jackson blushed with uncharacteristic shyness.

"Why would you kiss Jackson?" Jinyoung gaped at him, although it was not exactly a surprise to any of them that Mark and Jackson had been nursing huge crushes on each other for three years.

Mark pouted at him, looking embarrassed. "It's all your fault for stealing his first kiss! It was supposed to be mine." He looked close to tears, and Jinyoung felt suddenly guilty. "Of course I had to erase your kiss with my lips," he said defensively.

Jackson blushed deeper, and licked his lips, which were swollen and puffy, wistfully. Jinyoung really didn't want to see this, or think of his brother or his best friend kissing anyone, much less each other. But he was relieved Mark no longer looked like he wanted to punch him, so he just muttered, "Sorry, hyung."

 

It was difficult to get used to the fact that his brother and best friend were dating. But after all, if he had to hand his precious brother over to somebody, Jinyoung knew that he would be the least worried to let Jackson take care of him, because even though Jackson could be loud and obnoxious, Jinyoung knew that he was an incredibly nice guy at heart. And most importantly, he was the person Mark loved.

Jinyoung applied for Jaebum's university after his finals, and they were both delighted when he managed to get in with flying colours.

"I'm so proud of you, baby," Jaebum whispered to him, pressing a kiss to his sweaty temple when Jinyoung ran all the way to his house to deliver the good news to him before anyone else. It was the first time he had ever addressed Jinyoung with any term of endearment. Jinyoung appreciated it, inwardly writhing with glee, because he knew Jaebum was clumsy and undemonstrative, and found it difficult and embarrassing to voice out romantic sweet nothings.

So they continued seeing each other at school every day. But it still wasn't enough. So sometimes Jinyoung would stay over at Jaebum's apartment, falling asleep as he waited for Jaebum to come home from work. Jaebum napped during the day to make up for his late nights, and Jinyoung would prepare breakfast in the kitchen and leave it covered on the dining table with a loving note before he pressed a tender kiss to a sleeping Jaebum's forehead, slipping quietly out of the house before waking him.

 

He felt bad about not going to the same school as Mark for the first time since junior high, but he was comforted that at least Mark had Jackson to accompany him. The four of them still made an effort to meet up after classes when they could, but now they sometimes also went to Jaebum's or Jackson's house. They no longer had to wear uniforms, but still had as much fun as they used to. They got to know each other's families, parents and siblings, growing closer not only romantically but platonically too.

On weekends, they would go on double dates, Mark and Jackson wearing obnoxious couple t-shirts with MARKSON emblazoned on the back that embarrassed Jinyoung and Jaebum to walk with them so they pretended not to know them. Jinyoung had heard that older brothers could be embarrassing, but he hadn't expected the first time he was embarrassed of Mark to be in _this_ way.

He reconnected with Yugyeom and Bambam, whom he had sporadically kept in contact with the last few years, and stayed firm friends with Youngjae as well. Sometimes, they invited the three other boys along with them, introducing them to each other. They hit it off immediately and even seemed to get closer to each other than they were to the four of them, occasionally meeting up as just a unit of three because they claimed they didn't want to play "gooseberries".

 

When Mark heard they were dating, his inner protective older brother came out as well. He smiled, tearing up a little with happiness for Jinyoung, then gave Jaebum's shoulder a friendly punch.

"Don't you dare bully my lil bro, or you'll have me to answer to," he threatened mock-menacingly, and Jaebum laughed and promised shyly that he would never break Jinyoung's heart. Jinyoung blushed with pleasure; he felt warm, sheltered and protected whenever Mark went all big bro on him.

Jinyoung was glad and relieved to see that Jaebum was able to look straight at Mark now, without any of the conflicted feelings and unspoken pain that used to be in his eyes when he did. Even though they spent less time together than they had in high school, Mark and Jaebum continued to remain best friends, their friendship something Jinyoung still envied and looked up to.

 

He noticed that for the first few weeks after they got together, Jaebum started acting differently, becoming oddly possessive of him and elbowing Jackson away with uncharacteristic rudeness when he tried to sit beside Jinyoung or wrapped an arm around his shoulder. When he heard that Jinyoung was spending time alone with Jackson, he would rush over immediately to wherever they were, appearing within minutes breathless and disheveled looking like he had run all the way there.

He was amused but flattered by Jaebum acting like a territorial boyfriend, but he didn't like to see Jaebum feeling worried or insecure. So when he tactfully asked why his friendship with Jackson had started to bother him now, he was startled to hear Jaebum reluctantly answer: "He was your first kiss, right?"

" _No!_ " Jinyoung immediately replied, grimacing when he realised this was technically untrue. He hadn't even realised that actually, Jackson had been his first kiss. How hurt must this have made Jaebum feel?

"It didn't count!" he quickly babbled. "We were drunk --"

"We were both drunk during our kiss too," Jaebum pointed out, and he groaned.

"But I've always thought of my first kiss as you."

That seemed to mollify Jaebum. He answered softly, finally cracking a small smile, "Me too."

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung whispered, smiling goofily and reaching out to caress Jaebum's beautiful face. He was so adorable when he smiled, like a kitten. Jinyoung couldn't keep his eyes and hands off him. "Can I have another chance to redo it?"

Jaebum blushed prettily, breaking into a full-blown eye-grin as he nodded, leaning in eagerly and opening his mouth even before Jinyoung had the chance to close the distance between them.

 

Typically, their relationship quickly progressed to the next stage and deepened, turning sexual. Jinyoung didn't hesitate before giving his body entirely to Jaebum, because it felt only natural, the right thing to do. It was as easy as breathing, because Jaebum made him feel so safe and comfortable.

They had known each other for six years now, and when he saw Jaebum naked for the first time Jinyoung truly realised how much Jaebum had matured, almost unrecognizable from the fourteen year old he had met six years ago. But the only thing that hadn't changed since the beginning was Jaebum's heart, which was as pristine and warm and beautiful as the first day Jinyoung had met him. This man Jinyoung had fallen in love with was the same person as that boy he had met at thirteen.

"Jinyoung," Jaebum breathed, worshipful and adoring, as he gently entered him for the first time, and Jinyoung realised that all those love stories, movies and songs were all true. They fit together, both their bodies and hearts aligning like missing pieces that had found each other.

 

Soon, he had learned from Jaebum that the heart aches and clenches he had felt in high school, whenever Jaebum looked at Mark, were actually jealousy. He couldn't believe that he had been so dense about his own emotions when he always prided himself on being in touch with them.

Even though Mark was dating Jackson now, occasionally, when he saw Jaebum and Mark talking and laughing, or alone together, he couldn't help the niggling fear that old feelings would reawaken. He knew it was a foolish, groundless insecurity, but he couldn't shake it off.

"You said Jackson was my first kiss," he blurted out one day, regrettably brash and impulsive as always. "But wasn't Mark hyung your first love?"

Jaebum's look down at the ground, his silent blush, only confirmed that this was true.

Jinyoung bit his lip to keep it from trembling, and turned to leave.

But Jaebum grabbed his hand, tugging him back into his arms breathlessly. He wrapped his arms around Jinyoung in a backhug, and Jinyoung could feel Jaebum's heart pounding in his chest, a breathless rhythm of desire.

Jaebum pressed his lips against the delicate skin of Jinyoung's neck, then, for the first time in their relationship, took his breath away by sucking a gentle but hungry mark there.

He was breathing a little more heavily when he finally detached his lips, his arms tightening around Jinyoung and the hardness pressing against Jinyoung's back telling him how much Jaebum wanted him and only him.

"Is it that important who my first love is, when you're my last?" Jaebum whispered in his ear, voice hoarse with emotion.

 

20.

"Did you know, hyung? That Jaebum hyung liked you, back in high school?" It was a year before he felt secure enough to ask this question, and could speak his mind without feeling too embarrassed.

But Mark seemed surprised at his direct words, his face turning red. After a short pause, though, he replied Jinyoung with the same brotherly honesty.

"I... had a feeling," he said softly. "But he never said anything to me, and I didn't want to embarrass him by asking. You know how shy and timid I used to be. For a while back there, I wondered if I might like him too. And then I met Jackson... and I realised what love really was." He reddened further at his own words.

"I'm glad you two are together, though," Mark said unexpectedly, taking Jinyoung's hands. "He's my best friend, and so important to me. So are you. I'm glad you guys have each other to take care of you."

Jinyoung smiled, his own face warming up. Mark's blessing and approval meant the world to him. He wondered when they would feel brave enough to come clean about their relationships to all of their parents. They might be shocked at first, but he had no doubt that all of them would accept them in the end.

 

But despite all of Jaebum's reassurances, sometimes when he ruffled Jinyoung's hair fondly and chuckled, calling him _brat_ , Jinyoung found himself thirteen again and chasing after Mark and Jaebum's shadows, hoping they would turn around to look at him; sixteen again and wedged in the middle, helplessly watching Jaebum fall deeper into unrequited love with Mark.

During their very first argument, somehow this uneasiness that had always been lurking at the back of his mind spilled out.

"Do you like me the same way you liked Mark?" he found himself demanding, despite knowing he was being unfair and unreasonable. "Am I just a substitute for my _hyung_?"

He gasped in the silence that plunged between them after these words fell, regretting them almost immediately. Jaebum looked stricken as well, profoundly hurt and frustrated. But deep down inside, Jinyoung realised that these words had been simmering at the back of his throat, in the depths of his heart, ever since the day Jaebum confessed to him.

"No," Jaebum started after a heavy pause, the word making him inhale sharply. "I don't --"

But Jinyoung didn't have the guts to hear the rest of the sentence. He felt his heart breaking as he fled.

 

Jaebum found him sitting on the steps outside the minimart he had stopped working in some time ago, knees pulled to his chest. He stood in front of Jinyoung for a long time, watching him hide his face in his hands, before starting to speak, right there on the street, not caring if any passersby heard.

"How could you say that? How could you even _think_ that?" Jaebum sounded wounded, shocked, aggrieved. When Jinyoung looked up, he looked as breathtakingly heartbroken as Jinyoung felt.

"You didn't hear the end of my sentence." Jaebum's face softened as he took Jinyoung's hand in his gently. "I said I didn't like you the way I liked Mark, because Jinyoung-ah, I had a crush on Mark. But you -- you taught me what love was."

Jinyoung's heart stopped at Jaebum's earnest words, the honesty and intensity glimmering in his soft, dark eyes. Standing in front of him, face reddening as he unabashedly confessed his love the second time, Jaebum was the most beautiful thing Jinyoung had ever seen.

"W-why do you love me?" Jinyoung asked guardedly, blinking back his tears, and he realised that unconsciously, he had always wanted Jaebum to spell out his reasons, give Jinyoung solid evidence that he saw Jinyoung as who he really was now, and not just the little brother he had been for the past seven years. The transition from best friend's little brother to boyfriend was surreal for him to believe and adjust to, and he hated how needy he was acting, but Jaebum made him needy. He had grown to be so important to Jinyoung, that Jinyoung knew he could no longer live without him.

Jaebum cleared his throat hoarsely, running a hand through his hair. He made himself meet Jinyoung's eyes.

"Jinyoung, I know I'm not very good at being romantic," he confessed finally, voice gentle. "But that doesn't mean that I don't love you. And this is probably the only time I will ever be, so listen carefully."

Jinyoung's breath caught in his throat as he looked up at Jaebum, who was smiling shakily.

"I love you because you saw me when I was invisible. Through the six years of high school, in my whole life even, you were the only person who really looked at me, paid attention to all my actions and thoughts and feelings, actually cared deeply and genuinely for me. I love you because you're a good friend, and a better lover. I love you because you're the smartest person I know. I love you because I want to protect you, but always end up being protected by you. I love you because you make me smile and laugh, and cry and worry. I love you because you make me happy. I love you because I've seen you almost every day of my life for the past seven years, but I'm still not sick of your face yet. I love you because you know me better than I know myself. I love you because you make me afraid, but you make me brave too. I love you because I've known you since you were thirteen, and watched you mature into this brilliant, upstanding and compassionate young man I'm so proud of. You've grown up so well. I love you because you're the most loveable person I've ever met. I love you because I can't imagine living without you. I love you because... just because."

 

And like a bolt of lightning, Jinyoung realised that he was right. There was no rhyme or reason why he loved Jaebum. But there didn't need to be, when he knew he did, with all of his soul. It was like breathing -- as easy, as instinctive, as necessary.

"Jinyoungie," Jaebum finished quietly, kneeling down before him and taking his hands tenderly. He gazed deeply into Jinyoung's eyes. "There's no one else. You're the only one for me."

 

He fell asleep in Jaebum's arms, tired out from lovemaking, and while he slept he dreamt of all the different ways they could have met. One night he dreamt that they were in high school too, but the same age, next door neighbours and childhood friends who ended up forming a garage band together. Another, he dreamt that they were in an actual boyband together, one of those manufactured bubblegum teenage popstar idol groups. Yet another night, he was amused by his most far-fetched dream ever: where he was a fencer and Jaebum was his sugar daddy and they had a wild and passionate romance more dramatic than any novel or drama.

There were so many possible lives they could have led. But in every one of his dreams, he realised that there had only ever been one possible person for him.

 

21.

While unpacking his boxes on the day he moved into Jaebum's apartment, he found a group photograph the four of them had taken at the school festival when he was sixteen. He and Jackson were standing between Mark and Jaebum, flashing peace signs with their arms slung carelessly over each other's shoulders. They all wore huge smiles on their faces, looking young and carefree.

 

"Jaebum hyung, I'm afraid of becoming an adult. I want to go back to high school," he blurted out, sitting on the couch later with Jaebum's arm draped over his shoulder after he had come home from a long day at the film producing company where he had started interning. His tie was loosened, work shirt unbuttoned at the collar, warm as Jinyoung snuggled against him. He smelled like cologne, tiredness and home.

The four of them had fumbled through their teenage years, falling in and out of infatuation with each other, getting confused and losing their way before they found out who they really loved. But still, he wouldn't have traded a single minute of the last eight years with Jaebum, Mark and Jackson for anything in the world. Just being with them, spending every day beside them, had transformed his adolescence into happiness.

Jaebum sighed, stroking his arm comfortingly. He considered Jinyoung's words seriously, as seriously as he had listened to everything Jinyoung ever said, then took a deep breath.

 

"Jinyoung-ah, I don't know what life has in store for us. Sometimes I miss the past too. But I believe we can be happy in the future, happier. Because we'll be together. I'm here with you. I can't promise that things won't change. The only thing I can assure you of is that my heart will stay the same. It'll always belong to you."

 

"Will we be together for a long, long time?"

Jaebum chuckled, pulling his head gently into the crook of his shoulder. "Actually, I was just thinking of the same thing," he said softly. Without warning, he reached into his pocket, pulling out a small box and getting down on bended knee.

Jaebum popped open the box, revealing a diamond ring. He smiled, nervous but so hopeful.

"How does forever sound to you, Jirongie?"

 

31.

Growing up was difficult, growing older more so. But Jinyoung was so, so lucky to have Jaebum beside him as he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is for the three commenters who were interested in reading more about markson, i was very flattered people liked this verse enough to want to read more and hope this short sequel gives more closure to all readers :) thank you so much to every single person who read or will read this fic, left me a kudo or comment, the love this fic has received honestly blew me away!


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